I read this blog post recently and was moved to tears by the rawness of the emotions I felt coming from the moms whose stories were depicted in it. They all shared the common thread of loving their kids but hating being a mom. I have been there too and felt terrified to admit it even to myself because that would make me feel even worse than I already did during those dark emotional times.
It’s terrifying because admitting that a mom hates being a mom goes against every grain of what society rams down our throats through the media, books, schools and even what we learned in our own families. A mother is supposed to connect with that maternal instinct magically and forget the pain of it all. But there is pain and not just in childbirth.
You see, what I’ve come to understand through my own battle with these feelings and the ultimate forgiveness for myself is that becoming a mom makes us face things inside ourselves that non-moms don’t have to face. No matter how a child came into your life…you now have the ultimate responsibility for it. And that opens up a wounded, dark can of worms that not every woman is able to face easily.
All of a sudden there is this tiny life that wreaks havoc with your sleep, your time, the way your house is organized, your work, your love life, and all other aspects of everything. There is no area of your life that remains untouched and you are faced with your own demons about how you really see yourself and what your deepest beliefs are.
If you are truly honest with yourself and courageous enough to admit and face this, you know that hating being a mom has to do with feeling trapped and afraid that you will never again have your own fulfilling life. It means that you don’t feel good enough to have full responsibility for this new human being. It means you feel ashamed and unworthy. For me it also underlined how inadequately prepared I was are for life to unfold and to hold on to whatever joy I thought I had inside me.
There are moms out there who have never felt the despair of hating being a mom and they are fortunate. It’s a darkness that no woman should feel but we do feel it! And yes, now I admit that I too have hated motherhood and wanted to run away. When I first said this to a mom friend she looked at me in awe and said I was courageous and amazing and that she had also suffered through it. She said not enough moms admit this hatred to themselves because of their shame and denial.
But not admitting this to yourself means you can’t move through it and experience the healing and love that is possible. Facing whatever wounds and limiting beliefs and old emotions or traumas are hiding within you means you are denying yourself true fulfillment and connection in your life. Not just with your children but most of all with yourself!
When you spend time constantly swimming in your shame of all these feelings you have no energy to feel anything else for long. It’s a cycle that keeps you trapped and unhappy and your kids and you keep suffering.
There is hope and there are simple ways to begin the healing journey so that you can love your life and your motherhood experience. I know because I have traveled that journey and have come out the other side by no means perfect, but able to admit that being a mom is the most joyful and fulfilling experience I could have.
When you’re ready to begin or to finish healing from this, you can jump on a free 20 minute call with me and get support.