I remember once feeling so angry and overwhelmed that I just wanted to run around screaming. I was in such a state that I hated everything about myself and my life. I was just exhausted with everything and done with it. I had no idea what the exact emotional trigger was that made me feel crazy but I figured I was deeply resisting something about the progress I was making in my life. Maybe it was just the culmination of all my choices or some old emotion that was trying to be released. I didn’t care. I was ready for it to stop.
And it’s not that I didn’t know how to make it stop. I knew lots of modalities and techniques but this tine the resistance was so huge. This time it felt so relentless. I had been frustrated for several days and finally felt like I was a volcano getting ready to erupt.
The thing is too, this volcano had erupted so many times before and the lava kept building, sometimes it would build slowly and sometimes it would be quick and the volcano would blow again. This time I was so ready to break that pattern. In the past I would have wallowed for a long time about being back here again but this time I decided to literally jump off the hamster wheel and just keep rolling.
So I stopped doing what I was doing and focused on something that I usually enjoyed. I started off with just mechanical motions of the task to occupy the mind and slow it down. Once the thoughts and emotions began shifting I started breathing into myself more and continued to focus on things I loved to do. I played a game with my daughter and pulled some Tarot cards for myself. Even the rain clouds outside cleared for a moment and sun came out for a bit. I had some deep realizations and remembered that I actually am grateful for everything.
One of the hardest realizations that I faced that day was that no one was coming to save me from myself…I had to do it! And not in the sense that I was completely alone but there was no one who could make the choices for me. I had to consciously do it one step at a time.
Admitting to myself that I had been hoping and holding out for some epic miracle solution allowed me to forgive myself a bit. I even allowed myself to mourn that hope a bit.
After that I realized how strong I am and that I am good enough to love myself completely. That changed everything for me and made me even more determined to shine my light in the world. And that’s where I am today. I am participating in the unfolding of my work with women who just want to stop running on their own hamster wheels and be more consciously involved in their own lives and happiness.